


What to Do When You Learn Your Employer is a Super Villain by Nathalie Sanceour

by Book_Squirrel



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Advice, Do Not Panic, How to Survive the Workplace, Kim Possible - Freeform, Marvel - Freeform, Professional Tips, Sarcasm, Superheroes, Supervillains, dc, the list
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 22:19:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18485551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Book_Squirrel/pseuds/Book_Squirrel
Summary: So you learned that your employer is a super villain. The following list is meant as a guide to aid you in this no doubt questionable and uncomfortable transition in your life. While no means exhaustive, it should allow you to find your feet. As time continues and you learn specifically which genre and sub-categories your employer is pursuing in their villainy, you will be able to create and complete your own list.





	What to Do When You Learn Your Employer is a Super Villain by Nathalie Sanceour

**Author's Note:**

> I went back and watched a bunch of Season 1 episodes from Miraculous Ladybug, and the difference between characters is so big! When watching Bubbler I realised what a change in relationship happens between Nathalie and the Agreste men/her job over the course of the series. Then I wondered if her scatter-brained attitude in Bubbler could be because she just learned that her boss is Hawkmoth and how exactly is one supposed to handle that? Hence the list. Let me know your thoughts.

So you learned that your employer is a super villain. The following list is meant as a guide to aid you in this no doubt questionable and uncomfortable transition in your life. While no means exhaustive, it should allow you to find your feet. As time continues and you learn specifically which genre and sub-categories your employer is pursuing in their villainy, you will be able to create and complete your own list.

 

  1. Do NOT Panic. This advice may seem trite. You will be begging for a bag to hyperventilate into. You are NOT allowed to panic. 
    1. You may forget job-threatening events, like buying your employer’s son a birthday present; do NOT let this happen.
  2. Whatever HR gave you in the New Employee packet, it will not cover whatever your employer has in store.
  3. BBA and MBA credentials may look good on paper but are useless in the practical element of facing a genuine super villain. PhD credentials seem to carry little to no weight either. 
    1. If you feel that this should be remedied through future education programmes, please write to your local political office and express your sentiments.
    2. Do not do this while under the influence of any element on or off the current periodic table of elements.
    3. Do not write said letter while on the clock for your employer. 
      1. If you have time to write a letter of complaint concerning education programmes while on the clock for your super villain employer amidst all of your normal work, please re-examine your job description. You may not actually be their assistant/babysitter and therefore stand a chance of escaping with bearable consequences.
  4. Build up an immunity to puns. Research suggests that punning appears to be an inherent trait in super villains that they must pun and pun terribly. You may not: 
    1.       1. Roll your eyes
      2. Sigh
      3. Groan
      4. Make a pun in return
      5. Scream
      6. Or, God Forbid, laugh. 
        1. When you feel that you are about to give any indication of your frustration, find a private, soundproof space to scream or vent. This will allow you to maintain some semblance of sanity.
      7. When your employer seeks a response of approval over an especially horrendous pun, cackle, or maniacal laugh, a deadpan response before launching into a recitation of the daily schedule is the best response.
  5. Bid your personal life or your career farewell. You are allowed one of the two, and super villains are not known for giving complimentary references. Pick one and stick with it. 
  6. Lose your morals. If all else fails, ‘I was following orders’ at least should negate any terrorism charges. 
    1.       1. ‘He threatened my family’ (even if you have no family) is a slightly more effective defense when dealing with the police and a lawyer completely out of their depth.
  7. Keep a Good Lawyer on Speed Dial. 
    1.       1. This should be your first action after learning your employer’s illegal objectives.
  8. Keep TWO excellent lawyers on speed dial. 
    1.       1. This includes your personal phone.
      2. One is for your employer. The other is for you. 
        1. Siphon funds into a lawyer per diem trust for yourself. 
          1. Assume that you will need someone Very Expensive and Important.
        2. Assume that your employer will throw you under the bus. 
          1.             1. They ARE a super villain.
            2. If you have engaged in any sort of ‘softer emotions’ or any exchange of sentiments, throwing you under a metaphorical bus is always preferable to being thrown off a literal bridge.
  9. Find grounds for a sexual harassment or sexual/racial discrimination suit as soon as possible. 
    1.       1. When at all else fails, the threat of a harassment or discrimination suit can work wonders.
      2. Said threats should be limited for maximum efficiency.
      3. Do not use if there has been any history between the two of you before. 
        1. Leverage is a two-way street when there is a ‘history’.
      4. Tread with caution if they are married or in a long-term relationship. 
        1.           1. Keep yourself scarce if their spouse is in any way the jealous type and you are spending copious amounts of time with your employer.
  10. Concerning Point 4: After relinquishing your morals, learn to insult someone in a way that they cannot sue. 
    1.       1. I cannot stress the importance of blowing off steam by subtly insulting people.
      2. With a little luck, this skill will impress your overly dramatic employer and will enable you to rise above the standard henchman (or henchwoman) position. 
        1. Employees under your authority are NOT to be the release for your stress.
  11. Become best friends with your means of stress relief. 
    1.       1. Alcohol, sex, recreational drugs, Minesweeper, flower arranging, deep cleaning, or an excellent masseuse are all appropriate methods.
      2. Unloading on an underling (and therefore putting yourself at the same risk for a lawsuit as your employer) is NOT an option.
  12. Ensure that you are Completely Irreplaceable. 
    1.       1. Any inconvenience related to your loss ensures your safety.
  13. When HR throws a fit about your outstanding and soon-to-expire vacation days, let your employer handle HR. 
    1.       1. If they refuse to handle the situation, become Extremely Ill with something Inconvenient. This will teach them (everyone) your value. 
        1. You will also learn YOUR value as far as their schemes.
        2. This can be simultaneously terrifying and satisfying.
  14. Keep your ego a manageable size. 
    1.       1. There is room for only one inflated ego in this scenario. 
        1. It will never be yours. 
          1. Exception: The slim likelihood that you successfully overthrow your employer and assume their role.
  15. Do NOT tell your mother. 
  16. Do NOT tell your mother. 
  17. Do NOT tell your mother, friend, or any other relative that your employer is a super villain. 
    1.       1. This will endanger them.
      2. They will irritate you to no end.
      3. They will ask why you can’t return home and marry ‘Madame Santorini’s nice nephew who’s also an accountant for a Fortune 500 company’.
      4. You will be doubly intent upon point number 8.
  18. Netflix is a curse. Cancel your subscription. You will not have enough time to merit its price.
  19. Marvel and DC comics are NOT appropriate guides as to how to be a minion. 
    1.       1. For that matter, neither is Despicable Me. 
        1. Even if yellow suits you.
  20. Do not wear spandex to work. 
  21. If you’re Extremely Lucky, you will receive generous benefits. 
    1.       1. The primary one will be Not Dying. 
        1. Geographically Specific: The second one will be Not Being Akumatized.
  22. If they want to use you in a scheme, ignore them. 
    1.       1. When in doubt, refer to Shego’s ‘No Cloning’ Clause.
  23. For that matter, draw up a contract if at all possible defining your exact responsibilities and any expectations between both parties. This will save you any number of headaches.
  24. Use the aforementioned contract as leverage and blackmail before turning state evidence should everything go south.
  25. Never become emotionally invested. 
    1.       1. This extends to children, pets, family members (yours or theirs), and Forget Any Fantasy Involving a Personal Significant Other.
  26. Do NOT fall in love with your employer. 
    1.       1. Grandiose pun-filled speeches do not translate to a memorable sexual experience.
      2. **You Can Do Better**.
  27. Be prepared for Any Contingency. 
    1.       1. Also known as The Batman Contingency, that involves having a plan even when you have no idea what a plan can be used for.
      2. This especially relates to anything involving a rival who can manipulate the weather or the local hero flying through the window at any hour of the day.
  28. Develop an almost supernatural ability to reschedule any and all meetings, appointments, dinners, and/or family reunions. 
    1.       1. Assume that any and all plans and their backups will fail. Have backups to your backups to the backups. 
        1. If all else fails, bribe the internet or phone company to cause a ‘temporary difficulty’ in your neighbourhood.
        2. If a bribe fails and you have the appropriate skills, hack the company.
        3. Unplugging the modem can achieve the same result. Sometimes.
      2. Flowers are deemed a ‘stalling’ gift for when Someone (You) has forgotten Something Important related to Someone Else (Your Employer). Use sparingly.
  29. Sleep whenever you can. You will thank yourself. 
    1.       1. Keep a pillow and a sleep mask in your desk. Never earplugs.
      2. Keep a change of clothes tucked away at work. 
        1. Make friends with the nearest dry cleaning company. 
          1. Do not delude yourself into thinking you will have time to go anywhere else.
      3. Keep a fresh supply of dry shampoo and deodorant in your desk. 
        1.           1. Nothing destroys confidence quite like an awareness of your own stench and greasy hair.
  30. The capsule wardrobe may be overdone, but a work uniform will be your best friend. No one can accuse you of sleeping with the boss or, God forbid, one of the interns if you wear the same colour shirt and black or navy suit every day of the week. 
    1.       1. Learn what works well for you and stick with it.
  31. Comfortable, professional shoes you can run in will be a lifesaver. Literally and figuratively.
  32. You are never allowed to tell them to fuck off. 
    1.       1.         1. Exception: Any assignment involving seducing a rival or sexually related distraction. 
          1. Refer to point IX.
  33. Coffee is your best friend.
  34. Coffee is the only friend you will have when this is over. 
  35. Pray to whichever deity may or may not listen that your employer’s efforts do not land you in prison. 
    1.       1. Refer to point five.
  36. Blackmail is your best friend after coffee. 
    1.       1. Refer to point four.
  37. Do Not Tell Your Best Friend. They will talk big and do nothing. This will only encourage your desire to drink and end with you trying to manage an entire day’s worth of work with a hangover. 
    1.       1. This is a best case scenario.
  38. Stay hydrated. 
  39. Never wear full makeup. It takes up time you don’t have. 
    1.       1. When falling asleep at your desk, it is always easier to fix minimalist makeup than a full face. 
        1. Exception: Your workplace dress code requires all women (and possibly some of the men) to wear full makeup.
        2. Refer to point IX if your employer insists on full makeup.
  40. Rewrite the dress code to your advantage. 
  41. When your your employer begins chuckling to themselves, rubbing their hands, or muttering ominously, disappear to your mental quiet place and do not emerge until they say your name due to having finished their monologue and actually needing something from you other than an audience for their ramblings. 
  42. If they are caught, turn state evidence and sing like the proverbial bird. 
    1.       1. Consult with your Expensive And Important lawyer from your speed dial.
  43. Keep records of Everything. 
    1.       1. I literally mean everything.
      2. This will allow you to learn a great deal about the household that you probably did not want to learn. 
        1. Such information, no matter how scarring, will help you in staying out of prison.
        2. Blackmail concerning a spouse or child is especially useful. 
          1. Do not be afraid of blackmailing said spouse or child.
  44. If named a beneficiary or legal guardian of children or pets, learn to say no. 
    1.       1. Refer to point 21.
  45. If named a beneficiary of items of high monetary value, assess thoroughly before accepting. 
    1.       1. When in doubt, decline politely.
  46. Learn to say No in general. 
  47. Business lunches and social events will kill you faster than anything. 
    1.       1. Learn to be busy when it is to YOUR convenience.
  48. Please and Thank You go further than most people would think. 
  49. Be kind to the IT department. They will save your life as often as not. 
    1.       1. I’m not joking.
  50. Learn that nothing is a joke, everything is Deadly Serious, and Stealing Jewellery from Children is an Actual Element of Importance. 
  51. DO not call your mother when you are drunk and exhausted. 
  52. Do not call your boss when you are drunk and exhausted. 
  53. Do NOT call your ex. Ever. 
    1.       1. At best, you will receive an ‘I told you so’.
      2. At worst, you will end up in bed with them and live with the memory for the rest of your natural days.
  54. Embrace the maxim that Some Men (People) Need Killing. 
    1.       1. Become comfortable with this knowledge.
      2. It will save your sanity. 
        1. Can extend to videogames, if all else fails. 
          1. A weekly excursion to the shooting range (if available in your country) can save many a life.
  55. Do not kill anyone. Ever. 
    1.       1. Exception: They are about to kill you and the rage of a thousand warriors accompanied by an appropriate background track supplements your office management skills.



**Author's Note:**

> Formatting this for AO3 was the WORST! 
> 
> Side Note: A friend in her final year of an architecture programme read through this and came to the conclusion that the architecture department may be entirely run by super villains. Make of that what you will.


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